By Luke Hayden

Codependence. You may or may not have heard the term before, but either way hold onto your seats, because you're about to find out exactly how it may be silently impacting your life, relationships and shaping your world.

What exactly is Codependence?

Codependence is a common relational disorder which impacts and influences how we see and interact with others in our lives, particularly within intimate relationships.

12 Step fellowship Codependents Anonymous (1) defines codependence as;

"...a condition born of losing connection with our authentic self, thereby losing the ability to share our true self with others and be in healthy intimate relationships."

- Codependents Anonymous

In essence, someone who is codependent on another, such as a partner or parental figure, is in an unhealthy relationship which leads to negative consequences for both people involved.

Okay but.. Who does it impact?

Everyone. Yes, that includes you!

Due to the nature that humans are dependent upon one another for various social and relational needs like friendship, romance, living arrangements etc. dependence exists between you and those you share your life with on a scale, which means to a certain degree you are codependent and others are in your life also, hence becoming aware of how this plays out is extremely important.

What are the Symptoms of Codependence?

Pia Mellody (the OG codependence queen) in her book "Facing Codependence" (2) outlines that there are core symptoms that codependent people typically exhibit. They are;

Often viewing their thoughts/opinions as less important than others.
This lack of boundaries leads the person to feeling unsafe and unprotected in their world.
Inability to "be who you are", share and express that with others along with a struggle to speak one's truth, be authentic & real.
Either being too reliant on others for getting their own needs met and for a sense of joy or purpose, or not depending on anyone for anything meaningful.
Due to repression of self and a lack of boundaries, codependents can usually become hyper controlling or out of control in their behaviours due to their sense of powerlessness & fear in how they operate in their world.

You can see a video of Pia talking through her model of codependence here (Mind the fact that it was shot in the 90's!):

Are there any other characteristics of codependency?

Though the symptoms mentioned before are some of the traits of codependency, codependent people often exhibit some or occassionally all of the follow patterns.

Denial patterns - Difficulty identify what they are feeling, minimising themselves, mask pain, do not recognized unavailability of those they are attracted to.

Compliance patterns - Extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations for too long, put aside own interests in order to do what others want, accept sexual attention when they want loving affection, a feeling of always walking on eggshells, an inability to say "no".
Control patterns - Becoming highly perfectionistic, believing other people or they themselves are incapable of taking care of themselves, attempt to "buy" love and affection from others, must feel needed by others, are compulsive helpers.
Avoidance patterns - Avoid emotional, physical or sexual intimacy to maintain distance, believe expressions, use of indirect language, suppress genuine feelings and desires.
Addictive patterns - May experience other habits and patterns of addictive behaviours to things such as alcohol, pornography, technology etc.
Guilt patterns - Usually experience regular and consistent feelings of guilt for their actions and how they may have impacted others or how others are responding to them, will typically say "sorry" in most situations despite whether appropriate or not.

What is the cause of Codependence?

The cause of codependency can sometimes be complex and nuanced to identify, but fundamentally, Pia (1) explains that;

"Codependence is a disorder of immaturity, caused by developmental and relational trauma or dysfunction"

- Pia Mellody

Developmental trauma and dysfunction in family systems growing up is foundational to codependence as it is where and how we learn to relate with others in our world.

Concerns of dysfunctional relating styles, authoritative or power abusive parenting styles, abandonment and enmeshment wounds all play into the emergence and development of codependent characteristics and typically create the initial fear and shame core that perpetuates the condition.

Worryingly throughout the person’s life, codependents will typically re-enact or recreate the same types of relationship patterns of what occurred early in family life, amplifying the initial core wounding. This typically leads codependents into toxic and dysfunctional relationships in which they feel unable to leave.

From an attachment lens, these core relational wounds have created "attachment disorganisation" resulting in peoples attachment systems moving away from a comfortable secure state to anxious, avoidant or fearful (anxious/avoidant) styles. An image of this can be seen below (3).

What is recovery from codependence?

If you have identified with some or most of this article fear not, because recovery from this "dis-ease" is absolutely possible!

Though all individual cases of codependence vary and can exist at both ends of the spectrum, there are somethings that you should consider implementing straight away to start to become more securely attached and interdependent in your relationships.

Here’s a list of 12 powerful tools that can help you to overcome the challenge of codependency.

1. Work on building up your own self-esteem.

Make sure you stay fit and healthy, challenge the inner critic, accept success & compliments, gratitude journal, affirmations, do esteem-able things.

2. Start setting healthy boundaries and saying no.

Boundaries will help to keep you protected and feeling safer in your world and relationships.

3. Own your own reality.

Reflect on what your authentic truth is and start to share it, despite what others may think of it.
Get to know who you truly are and live by your values.

4. Practice self-reliance.

Where you may have gone straight to your partner, a singular friend, or your parents to get a need met, see if you can delay or stop is and seek an alternative.

5. Emotional regulation skills.

Mindfulness practices and cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT) techniques such as box breathing, progressive muscle relaxation (PMR) and many more can really help to balance the likely strong emotions playing out in codependence.

6. Untangle yourself from your relationships - especially the toxic ones!

This doesn't mean leave everyone but take a step back and end toxic relationships that are impacting your sense of self.

7. Practice self-compassion and forgiveness.

As most codependents can be filled with guilt and shame, challenging the inner critic by being kind and forgiving oneself is crucial for recovery.

8. Stop comparing and worrying what everyone else thinks.

Just be yourself, if people don't accept who you are, maybe you need to surround yourself with people who actually accept you, for you.

9. Practice good self-care.

Take yourself for a massage, nurture and pamper yourself.

10. Inner Child Work.

Due to the core wounds generally being based in childhood, inner child work can be really helpful in healing the wounded parts of ourselves.

11. Please, stop saying sorry for everything.

It's likely you didn't do anything "wrong" most of the time.
Say "thank you" instead of sorry and stop blaming yourself for everything.

12. Seek out community and professional support

12 Step groups like Codependents Anonymous (CODA) or a therapist can really help you to feel not alone in your journey of recovery.
A therapist can help identify why the codependence emerged, how it is playing out and assist with strategies to overcome the codependent patterns.

In summary.

Codependence represents an internal issue of 'self' caused by underlying psychological, emotional and attachment issues created through childhood and relational trauma which translates to an external dysfunctional relational exchanges with another.

It plays out in various ways with numerous characteristics, but recovery is possible for you or others you know who may be codependent.

Here at Soulight, we have a dedicated team that can help support you on your journey of healing and recovery and would love it if you reached out to us to discuss.

Need a session for support?

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References:

(1) Pia Mellody (1989) - Facing Codependence: What it is, Where it Comes from, How it Sabotages Our Lives.

(2) Codependents Anonymous (CODA) - https://www.codependentsanonymous.org.au/whatiscodependency

(3) https://i.pinimg.com/originals/49/b9/68/49b96868bd97bc71b93a8aa636a2970f.png

What actually is, “Codependency”